I'm German and I know everything

I don't know what fantasy these people are living in, but there's needs to be a public service announcement to the German populace informing them of their level of English speaking ability. I imagine it would go something like this:

Attention beer guzzlers, 

Take note that despite the fact that you studied English in high school, when you engage with a native English speaker chances are real good (read: certain) that you'll be the one with the worse English. How much worse is a direct function of how long ago high school was, but, to help you out, here's a list of indicators that your fluency in English leaves something to be desired:
1) I die before you can string a sentence together
2) You know none of the nouns that you want to use
3) As long as I laugh while I'm speaking, you think I'm being nice because you can't understand anything I'm saying 

If you experience any of these symptoms you're not fluent. Ganz einfach! 

Much love,
every native speaker that you've ever talked to 

Even with this announcement, all my problems would not be solved. Actual conversations that officially put this country on my shit-list:

kweeks commenting code: % how much lambda has changed...
coworker: how much or how many?
kweeks: how much.
coworker: are you sure?
kweeks: awkward pause. yes.

Setting: kweeks was asked to read over a powerpoint presentation that was to be given to a fellow native speaker. My boss and another coworker asked me to fix any mistakes that sounded unnatural or that didn't make any sense. 


Error: buy-side economic model "in the real world measure"
Suggestion: "based on real world measures"
boss: it's a real thing, I read it in a paper once.
kweeks: we don't really say that and it doesn't make a lot of sense
boss: no this paper was written by a guy in London, it's a mathematical term.
kweeks: it's wrong.
boss: we're sticking with it

Error: presentation title: "A Unique Holistic Wealth Allocation Approach"
Suggestion: "A Unique and Comprehensive Approach to Wealth Allocation"
coworker: we mean "holistic" as in, we consider all aspects of the client's wealth. Not just stocks or just bonds, but all assets. Holistically.
kweeks: that's not really a word. and it's not even modifying "wealth" here
coworker: I saw it in another presentation. Pulls out another presentation from Deutsche Bank
kweeks: this was written by another German. Comprehensive makes more sense and it sounds better.
coworker: comprehensive means "understanding"
kweeks: no, actually it doesn't.
boss: We want it to be "holistically." comprehensive means everything in its entirety, leaving nothing out.
kweeks: also wrong.
boss: we're sticking with it.