what an idiot

the only thing dumber than me is another American:


bock: i told this german guy who plays that germany sucked at ultimate accrd to my friend and he didn't take it too well
me: hahaha
do you know where he played in germany?
bock: berlin?
maybe
we talked about how i only remember 3 places in germany
and it was one of those
me: hahaha. more than most americans
bock: well i thought i knew 4 including "deustland"
so negative points for me

updates

world cup: heartbroken. I needed a win in the Ausland, and I was banking on World Cup glory to give it to me.

fashion: the dyed and spiked hair look is for all ages. Even if that age is 40.

language: is my German improving? you be the judge.
     German at adjacent table: Can I have your ashtray?
     kweeks: hands over silverware

elevators

My morning routine consists of a quick self check out in the mirror...sometimes you need a boast if you're gonna start the day before noon and the undeniable confirmation of seeing just how hot my bod is, usually does the trick (don't act like you've never done it). Knowing full well that people do this, Deutsche Bank cleverly installed mirrors in every elevator at my building. You smile at the security guard, flash your ID card, walk into the elevator, and BAM there you are, in all your glory and your first reaction is uhgg...im ugly. I've yet to encounter a light that's made me look dark, but I've never before encountered one that makes me look dead. Even my freckles look pale and to make matters worse, my hair has zero shine. Like none. I've never been bothered by the level of lusciousness of my locks (mostly because they are quite luscious), but I look like a flat, dead animal was plastered to my scalp. It's not flattering. Moreover, you would think that Germans all of people would be sympathetic to the struggles of the pale man. Or, maybe the reason for such unattractive lighting is to make people realize that no, they can't be a trophy wife, better work hard today.

comback city

successfully had a full-out conversation in which i gave proper and accurate directions as well as time table information regarding train departures and arrivals. i neither had to ask the lady to repeat anything she said nor did that awkward thing where i stutter and drop entire syllables as i try to slur words together in a fashion that should only be appropriate for native speakers. i also used an incorrect preposition, and, because the lady was also foreign and must have deemed me "more german" because i'm blonder and whiter, she began to use it too.

deutschland 3, kweeks 2.

why so serious?

it explains so much...

who's your daddy now?

world cup updates:
1. People stare at you when you speak English, regardless of the type. When you yell "suck it" in a restaurant when Hope Solo makes an awesome save on a BS pk, entire families of Germans will turn and stare. When you're leaving a soccer stadium and discussing the best strategy to weave around the Germans in the mad dash to the trains, every.single.one. of them will stop and stare.

2. Germany lost in the quarterfinals. unexpectedly. I blame 20% of it on my boss, who boldly declared the day before that the Germans' secret to winning soccer games was the fact that they - both men and women - believe they will win every game. Clearly a strategy that works wonders against Spain and Japan. Walking away from watching that game was mildly uncomfortable. The Germans don't handle losses or the unexpected well. Posters assuring the men that they'd be avenged for last year's apparent failure have been taken down. awk.WARD

3. The US is mad boss.

Alles Gute Amurika

July 4, 2011 will henceforth be known as the greatest birthday America's ever had. Why? Because me and my friends (so proud I can put an "s" at the end of that) celebrated it by being everything Europe considers American: classless, last-minute, and an embarrassment. Not only did we try to "plan" a "party" the day before we wanted to throw it, but we did it in a country that doesn't understand the need to have stores, of any kind, open 24/7. Or really, open on Sundays (presumably, Germans have enough sense/aren't spontaneous enough to not be able to make it through a Sunday without needing to go buy something). The following is a list of our top ten failures (or just a list of what happened, depending on how you look at it):

1. Trying to find where we were going - this included a lot of gesturing and map looking
2. Trying to find a grill at the "grill park"
3. Deciding whether to approach the people using the only public grill to see if we could join
4. Deciding we weren't bold enough
5. Trying to light a lighter
6. Trying to cook a hot dog on a fork with a lighter
7. Trying to break half of a watermelon in half…because we didn't bring a knife
8. Trying to open a beer bottle with a lighter, another bottle, and finally, a set of keys
9. Trying to light our s'mores' marshmallows on fire, they wouldn't catch…probably because they were made out of plastic
10. Using glows sticks as a substitute for sparklers

Notice the most often used word in this list is "try." You could have easily replaced it with "fail."

Progress

In pure desire of wanting to actually get paid for my internship, I was forced to go to the Deutsche Post today to send the last of my paperwork to Deutsche Bank. Having neither letters nor stamps, I awkwardly walked up to the counter and did what I always do at the post office, hold out my letter and declare "I need to send this." Usually postal workers react to this approach in a similar fashion: smile, nod, take my letter, and pretty much do everything for me. Unlike the people at USPS however, this Deutsche Post Arbeiter was not sympathetic to my ignorance of letter sending (also unlike the people at USPS, he was not old and nice). The situation was not helped by the fact that I had looked up absolutely zero vocabulary for this adventure before leaving and could only muster a "ich [incomprehensible deutsch] [trail off]". Feeling uncomfortable about a 30 year old German glaring and judging at me as I blubbered through his language and by the fact that there was a very long line behind me (for those of you unaware, hatred of that one douche bag taking forever at the counter in the post office is pretty much universal), I stuck out the letter again and just said "send." The conversation and my German only deteriorated from there.

German Engineering

I washed my clothes today. When I took them out, they weren't even wet.