the German restaurant experience

one of the magical things about the German creature is that they're, by nature, very un-awkward. rules for every conceivable social situation have been fine-tuned throughout the ages and nowadays the only thing left to do is for people to follow them. that awkward ending to any phone conversation where both parties find themselves saying "ok...well...alright" on repeat for five minutes? non-existent in Germany. it's a quick, "ok, see you then. bye. [hang up]." emails to people you don't know that start out with something really unnatural sounding ("i'm writing to ask you....", "im [biography] and i was wondering...", "im an idiot and forgot to sign up for your class...can i be on the waitlist?", etc)? a foreign concept here. due to the awkwardness of an entire people, many industries in the US have taken it upon themselves to ease the awkwardness of social interaction so that absolutely zero interpersonal skills are required to do any sort of task. this is of great convenience to those of us living in the homeland, but useless for us unlucky bastards abroad in countries where no such institutions exist and people get by by being...normal.

this brings me to the German restaurant experience. on your first visit to a German restaurant, you walk in, look around, and wait by the door to be seated. and you wait. and wait. and wait. everyone in the restaurant starts to stare at you and you begin to feel slightly uneasy. then finally, some exasperated German behind you pushes through, gives you a dirty look, and sits down at whatever table tickles his fancy. confused and mildly self-conscious, you walk over to the nearest table and pop a squat. an easy mistake to make to be sure, and you make a mental note to never make it again (the German stare can be quite intimidating is scary as hell).

at subsequent visits to German restaurants, you're convinced you know the drill. you're just going to boldly walk in there and take whichever table you damn well please. unfortunately this seemingly simple plan just isn't that easy. apparently the real reason American restaurants don't let you seat yourself is because people are indecisive as fuck. you and whoever you're with spend approximately half a century deciding 1) if you really want to eat here and 2) which table is the best option. during this time, a waiter inevitably comes over to you and gives you a look like "are you stupid? do you seriously need help sitting down?" The answer to both of those questions is, of course, yes, but you dont want to say that, so you try to communicate that you can handle the situation solo. Unfortunately it's at this point when you realize that the vocabulary for what to do when the conversation isn't going according to plan was conveniently left out of 5 semesters of German and you're best option is to mumble/grunt incomprehensible English and accompany it with some nondescript hand gesture.

and make this face

somehow though, this doesn't quite indicate clearly enough that you're foreign, confused, and effectively mute. one of your friends decides to step up to the plate and try to unsubtley indicate your social handicap by turning to you and saying, "what?" in a really loud and American fashion. Germans must say "what" a lot since the waiter still hasn't caught on that socially you're the equivalent of a dead horse. Eventually you resolve the situation by, again, finding the nearest table, smiling awkward at the waiter, muttering in English, and slowly walking over and sitting down, burying your face in the menu and refusing to look at anyone in the vicinity.